I'm Slipping...

I’m Slipping...
Holding on to ridged rock,
Sweat drips into my eyes.

I’m Screaming Aloud.
Strong screams of angst.
Frustration makes itself known: I Hate You!!

I’m Holding on.
The rocks dig deeper.
My nails start to peel.

I’m Screaming Again.
Inward screams of pain
Blinding me with hurt.

I’m Flailing
In the air, my legs dangle.
I Scream!

I’m contemplating
Just letting Go.
Look at that rocky abyss beneath.

I’m letting go
It’s up to fate.
A breath of revelation!

I’m being Pulled
My hand lies in a shadow--
A girl’s lost hope.

I’m Crying Shattering Tears
Once more, numbing the pain
Never allowing the needed release.

This girl peers into my eyes.
Wipes my tears dry,
She grabs my hand tenderly.

She whispers silently to me
Leads me into the night
And slowly lets us melt back into one.

*********

It is a time when my above poem is how my heart is feeling once again. I'm on the slippery slope of depression. I have no time with my husband. Except when I give up sleep. I get one weekend off a month, and they are always booked. I want time to just be. Just be a normal person. A wife. A friend. Me. Instead, my days off are filled with loneliness, house work, and such. 

Face it. I'm depressed. I can't get enough to sleep. I am starting to hate my body more and more each month. And my feelings towards James aren't all rainbows and butterflies either. His weekends off I have to work, and I know he wants to spend time with friends. But I hate that I feel as if I am fighting for his attention. And his theory is for me to find a new job, that there is nothing he can do to fix it. That he will quit playing drums for worship. That he won't play volleyball after church on Sundays.  Replies that I don't spend time with him during the week before he goes to work. *()$&Q^!&*(#$ An hour, that's all I asked for on the weekends. An hour where it is just us at home. An hour that he thinks he has to give up everything to be able to spend that hour together. I would love to be able to have a hug and kiss before leaving for work. Help packing my lunch like I have done for him the past five years. Yet, I leave the house every night lately with it being alone. Making me feel more alone.

Life is HARD at the moment. And I feel like I am slipping off the rock of life. And ready to fall into the abyss below. Should I be grateful that I have a job? Yes. A good paying job? Yes. But at the moment the thankfulness is not abounding. The little saying, "In everything give thanks, for this is the will of God. In everything give thanks, for this is the will of God. In everything give thanks, for this is the will of God, Christ Jesus concerning you." Runs through my head. But it does nothing for me at the moment. I picked up this coming weekend to be able to have more in savings and pay off more debt so we can go on our vacation in September, but what happens if I lose my sanity before September? 

I know life isn't all about happiness. That God does not promise happiness. But everything is so hard lately. Maybe I'm a wimp. But, for once in my little life I would love to not have to struggle through life. I feel as if I am drowning. Struggling to tread the water just to keep my head above the waves. And who will be there to pull me up? Christ? Even though I am struggling with him lately? 

I need to try to get more sleep. My eyes hurt. My cheeks are stained with tears. My heart is aching. I have cramps. I am a big crazy ball of emotions. I need a vacation. I need a break from reality and life.