Often things strike my heart and want to come bursting forth. They come spilling out onto the page, or computer screen. With ink filling pages or my fingers flying across the keyboard, my mind going a million miles a minute, and my heart crying out to be heard. Here is where you’ll find those things, my little notes on life.
Little Bit About Me
- Jess
- First and foremost, I am a Christian woman: I love Jesus! In this blog you will find stories of trying to conceive with PCOS, MTHFR, Poor egg quality, a unicornuate uteterus, and too many babies in heaven. It is a good thing God is the ultimate healer! Here you will find praise! and you may also find venting (I'm not perfect...) and you will find other stories of my crazy life. All the while through this journey I am holding on to scripture & hoping to one day be a mother here on Earth (waiting on God & His perfect timing...why am I so impatient?) But in the meantime, here you will find me: Jessica, loving wife, hopeful heart of a mother, and faithful friend.
Friday, June 10, 2011
What IF?
What IF from Keiko Zoll on Vimeo.
I came across this video on another blog. I think it encompasses what most women who are struggling to have children feel and question. But the creator of the video is right, we have the ability to either try to slide up hill on our bottoms, or to get up and struggle our way to the top, even when others are trying to push and pull us down.
I've been questioning things in my heart. Do we wait? How can we wait? I want to start clomid, like yesterday. I want to be pregnant. How can we wait to adopt? I want to fill out papers. And go to classes. I want to be a mommy! I want to see my husband in the daddy role. But what about us? Will we be good parents? Why is God making us wait? Will I be able to do school ok with a little one? Is the pain of being childless more than the struggle of going to school with a newborn? What if we wait and I end up not ovulating because of PCOS? What if we do get pregnant again and miscarry? What if clomid gives me ovarian cancer? What if? God, I need you! I want my path to be a little less foggy. For my selfishness to fade away and to be able to sense what your plan for us truly is at this moment.
Because these what if questions are eating me away inside. Because What if....what if you called me to this life just to minister to women, and that in the end I don't get my happy ending? Will I love you still? YES! I will run to you, but I think Lord I will have a harder time loving others. Especially pregnant women. Those with children. Those that choose abortion, or abuse & neglect their little ones. God I will love you and run to you, even more so in my heartache. With every inch of my being crying out to you. Yet, I do get distracted. And I pray you will kindly forgive me, and extend grace and mercy for my inability to stay focused on the path I am supposed to be walking. Forgive me for always straying away from Your Word, from prayer. For wondering if these are the reasons we are having problems with fertility. Don't turn away from us God. Bless us with a miracle. Bless us with miracles. Bless us abundantly. Don't forget about me. Don't forget about us. We need you.
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You write so well, especially when you are talking to God.
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