Devestated Dreams

Thursday I got news my progesterone was 9.7. Read online it should have been at least a 20. I was on these peach colored balls that looked like candy, but were really artificial hormones to try and help me keep the baby. I had hope, found out low progesterone causes cramping. Then I got the call about my HCG at 4pm on Friday while at work. I walked to the edge of the playground to answer. My HCG levels dropped. My heart sank. Back down to a 104, devastating me with the news that my baby is miscarrying and it is either an ectopic or normal, HCG levels Sunday will let us know for sure. They will call me on Monday to let me know. When I got the call at work, the world seemed to stop. All except for the kids around me asking me why I was sad, or why I was “like that.” In tears I finished helping kids take off their coats before my boss let me leave. 

I don’t know if I have ever cried so much in my life. My heart is so heavy. I went to Jenny’s after work. Cried some more, then decided that I wanted food, didn’t eat much though. I feel so empty. James said last night he is angry, but I’m not angry…just so sad. I know this is part of a bigger picture that I don’t comprehend. At the moment I have some cramping on my left side. I’m listening to music that God has definitely placed in my lap and has helped me to see a different meaning. Trying to decide if it’s better to fake a smile or shed more tears. 

A friend is helping me through this, and I don’t know what I would do without her. She reminded me last night that our babies are in heaven together. What a beautiful picture in a sad moment. At the moment my dreams are broken of having a child to hold, but we will try again and someday I will get to hold the little one that once grew inside of me.