Stuck Between a Rock and a Soft Place

Right now James and I are trying to get our own house, and we are in a waiting game right now. It will be SO good for us to move out. There are so many things I will be excited for, and so many things will be easier. While I know there are things I need to change in my life, it is hard to change them while living here with Jay and Deana. There is limited space, they just moved back into house, James and I have no time to just be together, no time or space to sit and have a Bible study, no room in kitchen to store healthy left overs where they won’t be eaten. No cupboard space to hold things I buy when on sale. Everything in life right now seems like I am stuck between a rock and a hard place. Trying to be thankful for things we have, but so sucky because things are harder.  I am excited about moving, but disgusted with the thought of packing. I am excited to be trying to conceive, but saddened that it’s not happening quickly. I am stuck, but a little comfortable. It’s hard to find motivation right now. I can’t exercise to most DVDs because everything bounces around and falls over (picture frames, knick-knacks…all around TV) making me feel like a fat cow. We are living with two cats and Jack upstairs at night. And downstairs and feeling out of place the rest of the time. We live in a hairy dusty mess upstairs that seems unable to conquer because of little space and multiple animals. 5 things on the floor and it looks gross, so what’s the point of moving things from place to place when it feels cluttered anyway? SIGH, but I have a house over my head, a husband that loves me, two kitties that love to cuddle, and Jack Jack. 

One thing that has had its setback for me is finding out I have PCOS. It shook me to the bone, and still has, yet I think it’s starting to lose the effects of the reality on James. Or maybe he’s just better at waiting on God’s timing. The thought of never being able to experience pregnancy and childbirth breaks my heart. So it makes the goal of becoming pregnant so real and necessary to be soon so that potential heartbreak will stop hovering over me every time I find out someone is pregnant or has just given birth…it’s so hard every time. It’s hard seeing friends’ babies when we are trying to have a little one of our own. It’s only been five months now that James and I have been trying to conceive. But it has been a heart breaking rollercoaster for five months. With my current crazy cycles since being diagnosed with PCOS this summer, I have to use ovulation kits to tell when I am ovulating. I take my basal body temperature every morning. It’s very methodical….and frustrating. You do all that work to try to make sure everything is at opportune moment, and so far the end result has been the same. James reminded me yesterday, due to my frustration over my crazy cycle that there have been others that haven’t gotten pregnant right away and that it has been heart breaking to other women too. 

It’s hard to look to God with thanksgiving in this situation…but my prayer often is that while I don’t want to go through this, I will as long as God will someday make use of my pain. I know that I will be so thankful when that day comes that I get to hold my own little child and hear them call me mommy, and not have it be an accident, but have it be with heartfelt love. With pregnancy not happening yet, James and I have talked more about how we will foster parent one day. We have talked about how if it doesn’t happen for us soon, we will likely have to wait until I am done with school and have established a job. Right now it would work out where if I got pregnant soon I’d have a semester off from school before starting nursing school. Then I would be able to adjust to work and baby before work, school, and baby. But, again…my timing is not God’s timing. And He will make all things work together for my good. In spite of the pain and heartbreak I feel along the way.