Updates Bringing Uneasiness in my Heart.

My heart is calling out to God right now. I started my first dose of lovenox today. My first bruise from the medicine is on the left side in my “love handle region” as the instruction booklet calls it. I get more news tomorrow, but being who I am google and various medical websites and threads about other women’s experience was a must. My first hcg level was 101, today’s was 130.9. It only went up 29.9 in 24 hours. Receptionist told me it’s not looking good. Trying to stay positive as several websites said sometimes doubling doesn’t happen til 72 hours not 48, I have another quantitative hcg test Friday. Praying for at least a 400-500. They cannot do a viability ultrasound til I am at 1,000. I am hoping this lovenox will do its job, not only to prevent a clot in me, but to prevent the placenta from constricting blood vessels, which may be why I have such low hcg. Praying hard, and praying often. Praying for a miracle. I still have cramps off and on, mostly on right, but also middle and left at times. I prayed hard for it not to be ectopic. I just want to have a healthy baby of my own. I know it’s in God’s timing, but why give me this hope and joy just to cause pain and despair? To shape me? Haven’t I been shaped enough? I already know I’ll value my children and their safety more than many others God. Why leave place for fear in me over my first pregnancy? Give me peace God. I’m trusting you to place your hand on this situation, on this tiny creation inside my womb. You know the days he/she is supposed to live and what will be accomplished through this little creature’s life, even before birth. Your hand is there because otherwise life wouldn’t have been created, just remind me God that you are in control with a healthy baby, and not heartache.

I remind myself in prayer to be like the lyrics in Kerrie Robbert’s song “No Matter What”. The lyrics touch my life in a different way with the receptionist telling me James and I might be facing a miscarriage. After I went and found some steals on maternity clothes. After I begin to get excited. After my sister-in-law calls to say in January she’s going to be giving away her Gaguer’s crib…to us. After walking through the baby section at a store and dreaming about registering and imagining picking out clothes for my own baby, and whether the little bundle of joy would be a boy or girl. I think no matter how far along a woman gets attached. Makes plans, her heart yearns to meet her baby, even if the child is only 5 weeks old. No one else really knows, we have kept it limited. Playing all of this off as I am finding out more info about the lovely cysts I have, which I do have bilaterally, meaning on both ovaries. BOTH ovaries, and my previous gyno wasn’t going to help me figure out or do anything with my PCOS that I am positive I have.

I thought I was having a fantastic 23^rd birthday with my first visit to the ob, them giving me info about pregnancy and saying congrats. Then today happened. Still hopeful, but cautious. With a sick heart that is crying out to God with every ounce of my being. 

I am still trying to be thankful for little things. James is in charge of cleaning cat pan (haha), no period or spotting yet, I haven't thrown up,  I have a great husband, and wonderful friends. I have a God that hears my prayers, and will answer. Even if the answer is a no when I wish it to be a yes. Preparing myself for anything, and trying to find God in it all.