Lab Work in Mail

The lab tests that I have to have done came in the mail today. A total of 10 things. TEN. Nine of which are for clotting disorders and one that is for autoimmune disease. I was excited to see it n mail, and then up in the area for testing it said, "recurrent pg loss" oh boy. Heart sank. Reminding me of why I am going through all of this. I was on such a high yesterday, and today feel like I am starting to sink again. I figured it out. Today with first baby I would have been 17 weeks, and with the second baby I would have been 11. My heart is achy with all the pregnant women around me. I have to remind myself that it's not that I'm not excited for them, but my heart is sad. And a little jealous. To be honest, really jealous. How is it that this joy had to be taken away twice? I am diligent about prenatal vitamins, fish oil pills, take a b-12 super complex (with additional folic acid and vitamin C) and when trying to conceive avoid caffeine. Seriously? Ahhhh, have to remember that this is the way God is choosing to shape my life. Other women later have to deal with effects of abortion or with being surprised by an unexpected pregnancy. I will be stronger, filled with more faith, and delight in everything when it comes to my future children.

It amazes me after writing yesterday, "I love those moments when surrounded with feelings of sadness God sweeps in, a galliant knight, rescuing you from these vast feelings of anguish. Quenching the mass of those ill feelings with peace that surpasses all understanding, and a ray of hope that lights up your soul." that my heart can be where it is today. Need to focus on blessings: house is coming soon, get to set up interview for a job, have a warm home to sleep in, and know I can get pregnant. *sigh* Lord, lift me up out of this puddle that feels like a pit at a moment.