God's Plan & My Heart

 Jeremiah 29:11 says it all about our future, no matter what version it is said.
"I have it all planned out -- plans to take care of you, not abandon you, plans to give you the future you hope for." The Message
"For I know the plans I have for you,” declares the LORD, “plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future." NIV

How fitting that this verse was the verse on the front of this journal I found when searching for something to write my thoughts in while pregnant. Entirely for my child. The first pages were filled with our first loss. A baby that I believe in my heart was girl. Abigail the name James and I were saving for our daughter one day. I hate to break it to him, but in my heart I know we have had her already. Abigail means "Father's Joy" and I can tell you we were so joyful, even so at conception...our hearts were filled with unexplained laughter that came bursting into our bedroom that night and I just knew. My heart kept saying, "Abigail means father's joy...joy that is often shown with laughter." I can say this now with a smile on my face and tears streaming down my cheeks: Our first child is a girl. She is in heaven, with the best father in the world, God.

The next 14 pages in this journal are filled with hopes, dreams, fears, and prayers for my next baby. During writing one night the Lord brought to my heart to read the story of Hannah in the Bible. It refreshed my memories about her son Samuel, and her struggle to get pregnant. She promised to give her first child to God, just as I promised that if God that my child was His, even if I was carrying him or her. That night I decided a name. So while I don't have it set in stone in my heart if this child was a boy or girl, I know his/her name is Sam for short, be it if the full name is Samantha or Samuel. :-) Below is one of our two pictures of Sammy, right around six weeks. So small and yet so amazing.

Every page in this journal has a verse from the Bible and often a quote. Page sixteen's quote read,

" Perseverance is a great element of success. If you only knock long enough and loud enough at the gate, you are sure to wake up somebody." Henry Wadsworth Longfellow

 I can speak of perseverance from a woman TTC (trying to conceive) perspective, of OPKs, BBT, charting your CM, when you BD, of the big O, and the dreaded AF. (Or positive in my current case...waiting the next 4 weeks will be a long wait) I can speak of perseverance from a mother who has two children she has never had the chance to meet, only see our second on an ultrasound, and the strength from God to see on my toilet paper what once was a growing baby and have the ability to still know that Bible verse from above. And even during this sorrow God has still continued to knock at my heart, He has officially waken me up!

Yet, the sad thing is, page sixteen is a page of saying goodbye to my child. A way to grieve for a woman that loves writes. It was written 19 days ago, and it read like this

 Baby, it's looking like I'll have to wait til heaven to meet you. Say hi to your older sister for me. Just to let you know, it was on my heart to name you Sam after Samuel in the Bible. Samantha if you were a girl. Mommy loves you so terribly much and it hurts to say goodbye before we said hello.

My heart is breaking but I know you'll be in a better place. You'll get to see Jesus! :) In my heart, I know I'm a Mom, even if others don't see it as such. Some day your father and I will have such joy when we meet, but until then I know you'll be in loving arms. Hopefully it will be a long time though, before you meet any of your younger siblings, Daddy, or myself.

 I do wonder often about what you look like, but I know I will recognize you right away when I get to see you. Thank Jesus for choosing you to be my child, and wait excitedly to meet me, ok? I love you -- Mommy

19 days since writing, and still in the process of waiting. I passed the baby a week ago. And still am having some occasional spotting. I am going for more blood work tomorrow to see if my body can recognize yet that there is no longer a baby growing within my womb. My heart has been through the ringer and I am so tired, yet filled with God's love.

You see, I know it's a God thing. And I feel such hope that it will make a difference. A letter that I have written and plan on sending out tomorrow or Thursday. I know that my experience will not be in vain. That God has a purpose. I will not be silent in my hurting, and I will spread the joys of Jesus even in my pain. So that hopefully others will find healing and salvation.

I know one day I will be a mommy here on Earth, get to experience all of the first I am missing so terribly much. I would be finding out the sex of our first child soon, at 17 weeks. And a little over 9 weeks with our second child. Yet, while I will not forget about my children, I must keep on keeping on and look to the future that God has planned for me! This Sunday at church while worshiping (The song list was perfect for me this week. "Salvation is Here", "Send Me Out", "Greatness of Our God", and  "Where You Go I Go") While singing these songs God began to knock at my heart. First asking me questions if I would still love and follow Him if I lost a child that had been born, had been blessed with the chance to hold my baby, would I still feel the same way towards Him? And my heart cried back, "YES God! I would follow you, though I would not be able to hid my anger, frustration, and sadness you would still be my rock, my fortress, and Jesus would still be my savior." God then began to chip harder away at my heart, as Roy began to talk about the lines in the song "Where you Go I Go" and God began to tug at my heart, bringing up my aunt...and a letter I had planned on writing many times. I wrote the letter, tears streaming down my face. The rest of the service is a blur, my heart and mind was on this letter. A letter so personal, that I am praying and asking that you pray that it will be received at the perfect time, and with the right reception. That hurts could begin to heal, and together in both of our pain we can look to Jesus and continue to find hope. Maybe more hope than ever before.

This has been so hard, going through this. But I am a new creation in Christ. And while this would have gotten me down in the past, it will not in the future He has planned for me. I do believe that God works and shapes your heart from birth. That you are only handed what you can truly make it through, even if it is only with God's strength and grace. I have to tell you, I am blessed to have the life I have had. The trials and blessings have shaped me into this woman I am today.

One last thing before I go, this journal I have for my future child...I have a gut feeling that it will be needed and greatly appreciated. As sad as that is, I know somehow it will be used to minister to a relative, be it a child, niece, or granddaughter. I will continue to write in it until I get to hold my child in my arms, and then I will fill it full of things from her life and my reflections. My child will be blessed because he/she is already so greatly wanted, prayed for, and loved.