CD 1, and Thoughts on Legacy.

Yesterday was CD1. I enjoyed myself a large glass of watermelon moscato. And quite possibly the day before ate way too much for my own good. I made chocolate cake with cherries on top, and cool whip available for good measure.

I am thankful I didn't waste money on more tests but I am not sure I will do the not testing this again if I am late. I want to know if I should grieve a lost baby or just move on. Should I be using tampons or if it is a loss should I be using pads? Those questions won't be answered this month.

But I enjoyed the maybe wishful thinking while it lasted. James and I really need to get back on the healthy eating train. We have been riding the struggle bus lately.

I also had my first night at work. It was long. my knee hurt....but nice to talk to people!

And then there is the factor that I inadvertently helped to spread why someone at work got fired. I heard the same story from 3 people and a 4th heard it from his mom who works in the office. Brace yourself for a chuckle and a look of utter disgust/confusion.

So the reason I found out is because I asked a coworker because I was nervous first 3 days back they decided to schedule me in the building I do not usually work....and I only could assume this woman got fired due to the position being available and one of the bigger bosses saying to me on the phone "I am not sure what we are going to do with that 'situation.'" Anyways my exact words when I asked my co-worker were "I am feeling pretty anxious about working out at the other building, due to her being fired I just want to make sure they aren't setting me up for failure and I don't make the same mistakes as her." (I assumed at this point it was phone usage or watching too much TV or something....)

WELL let me tell you. My co-worker comes back and let's me know, "Well I don't usually like to believe things like this unless they come directly from the source but it came from a very credible source....she got caught with the med guy in the med room. Like porno style."

My response? "WHAT?! I WILL NOT NEED TO WORRY ABOUT MAKING THAT MISTAKE I AM HAPPILY MARRIED! What was she thinking?"

Just a little tid bit she is married with little twin girls in kindergarten or so. She took this med guy to another co-worker's wedding the weekend or two before she was fired. What a complete and utter bonehead. #1 we work at a facility where cameras are everywhere to protect the residents and make sure if something happens in halls we have proof of staff and what happened. #2 they had issues with a staff stealing narcs of course they are going to have cameras in the med room! #3 HOW does that even pose a possibility in your mind while you are on the clock at work? #4 With as hard as you worked for your license WHY would you chance your job in this way? #5 it is a cake walk over at this other building at night. There are 2 med passes all night...not even joking. 1 breathing treatment and 1 other pill.

Enough of that. I start my PT Wednesday. I guess it is a 1 hour evaluation to start with. I am hoping they say I do not need the full month at 3 days a week. But I would like a clear for a low impact cardiovascular work out. I can adjust my biggest loser work outs to meet my needs. I just need it to lose weight better and to tone my muscles.

I have decided pregnancy must be harder for me to accept when certain hormones are shifting in my body...like post ovulation progesterone is my thought. I turn into a woman that is envious and wishful in my thinking. Not fun or fair to those that are blessed to not have to know this struggle. 

I wish and pray that infertility and loss would be a cup that is taken away from us....but just as Jesus asked before he died on the cross...sometimes there are these "crosses" we have to bear. I have been called to this struggle it seems.

I should not compare my life story to others. I am blessed in other ways. I will get to know my babies in heaven. I will hopefully get to hear from Jesus that I handled this unfortunate life circumstance well. I would like to hope I can come out looking graceful and giving full glory to God.

On my mind has been the legacy we leave for our children. I love my mother but sometimes I feel the legacy I have built my life upon is nothing to be very envious of. There was alcoholism on my mom's side. Struggles with finances on both sides. Struggles with keeping the house put together on both sides. My father's side isn't close and to be completely honest wasn't family centered, selfish, high tempers....etc.

What do I get to leave for our children? Infertility? Continued struggles with money? Continued struggles with keeping house picked up and organized? I refuse to leave these behind. I want to be a change. A catalyst. I want my children to know the freedom of Christ. For them to be strong in their faith. I want them to take care of what God has given them. To learn to tithe in even the most dire circumstances. I want them to lean on God and know we are there for anything. I want to let them know divorce is NOT an option. To break down chains of sexual sin that is scattered on both sides of our families. I wish for Matthew to not have to wish one day he had not given his heart and body away to another before his wife in marriage. I want him to have strong faith and a good work ethic. I want him to have compassion and mercy on others. I want him to turn to God in the midst of struggle instead of running away. I want him to grow up knowing God instead of coming to know him after he graduates high school. I pray for his future wife. And for their children and their future spouses. For health and prosperity even in struggles of this world. Big prayers. Prayers that go down generation after generation.

And this makes me sit back and wonder what prayers were prayed for us girls? Any? Again I want to be a change. A catalyst. For bigger and better things. Bigger in the aspect of living life for God. Better in the aspect of a stronger foundation. My family isn't bad we are closer than many, I love so many of the memories we have from growing up. But there is also much brokenness and darkness intertwined.

I want my children to walk in the light. I want game nights with them and their friends. I want them to be able to call their aunts if they want to talk about anything. I want grandparents to be available to watch him play sports or get married. I want them to know they can pray for their friends and family and that God will listen and answer prayers.

I am dragging on but this is something I feel so pationate about. I also want Matthew to know he is the young compared to siblings in heaven even if he is the oldest here. I want to set up a memorial time for use for our lost babies and his lost siblings. My heart yearns to bless him with a house full of children because I loved being the oldest of 4.

Anyways I have better decide if I am going to sleep for another hour or get up and get ready for church. ♡