Seething Anger

I feel like Medusa. Like I should have snakes coming out of my head, and filled with an angered rage. I can't shake it. I can bite off heads, and seethe anger like no ones business. And most of all I hate it, yet I can't shake it.

I'm frustrated that they changed worship weekend because people wanted cabins (honestly what's the point to camp if you sit in a cabin? Everyone that used them last year complained because they were hot!). So now I can't go. And I want to be a bitch and tell James no too. I'm sick of him being able to go do things while I can't because I have to freaking work. I want to sit around the campfire singing songs. I NEED it. I need it. I need a get away with Christians that will understand and love me. I need a weekend away where people won't talk about babies. 

I'm still annoyed with Laura. She called yesterday and told James she never told me to "Get angry and get over it" Blamed it on Darcy. Said she said it. Wrong, Darcy just never said anything when I told her about the miscarriages. Then they were the only friends that didn't say anything that actually apologized for not being there. The other two that said nothing, still have said nothing. Laura said it, and then acted as if nothing ever happened. Then she tells James she wants to apologize. I'm sorry I feel as if someone wants to apologize I shouldn't have to call to get the apology. But, I texted her giving her the opening. NOTHING. NOTHING! My favorite thing that she said when James told her what she said, "Why would she want to come see me if I said that?" Because that's what Christians do. Forgive and then forgive again. Even when the person doesn't know they have hurt you. Sadly, it brings it back to the surface when the hurt is brought up again. Especially by the person letting you know they are pregnant....and here could come a vent again. A big vent. I'm resisting though. I'm tired of it all. Let's be honest, I'm tired. Tired of waiting. Tired of insensitive people. Tired of selfish people. I'm tired. Just plain tired.

And I'm cranky. Hormonal. And sick of getting my hopes let down month after month. Maybe I'm sick of hope at this point. I'm sick of crushed dreams. I'm sick of feeling sick & tired. I'm hurting. Broken, and desperate for once something to come easy. Something to happen for me that I want so desperately bad. I realize my past has shaped me. I get it, I wouldn't be the woman I am today without it. Yet, I am so broken and low at the moment. My heart is crying out to you Lord, will you leave me broken, desolate, and hurting much longer? I said I'd go down this road to follow you, to let you move. I know I did. I said it's okay if you need to use me for this journey. But I feel like Israel wondering through the desert to get the promised land. How much longer will I be left feeling hopeless? Raise me up Lord. Fix my ovaries to produce eggs worthy of getting pregnant. Fix my heart. I'm broken and in need of your holy spirit to fill me up. I have nothing left in me. I'm hurting. I need your undying love to set me free.

Jess