30 Day Blog Challenge - Day 14

Day 14: A picture of you last year - how have you changed?

Me and our Dog Jack Jack.

I don't think I have one of last summer. How sad is that? So here is one from Christmas 2010. But the post will pertain to a year ago from now.

June 2010 for me was a turning point. My period was late. I kept getting negative tests. But I felt pregnant. Now I wonder if I just didn't wait long enough for the test to fully develop. I tossed after 2 minutes. I could have 4 babies in heaven, not 3. June = no period for me. I had a 45 day cycle, and a gyno that didn't take me seriously.

July 2010 brought me to the diagnosis of PCOS. And the reality that we needed to start trying soon if we were going to have kids any time remotely soon. I started charting my temps on top of using OPKs, I had been using OPKs for almost a year at this point to avoid pregnancy. Now I realize they might have been a waste! lol

August 2010. Our one year anniversary. First cycle trying.

September 2010. Second cycle trying.

October 2010. Third cycle trying. Felt out of it this month, and felt defeated. November Surprised me.

November 2010. Our first BFP. Our first miscarriage. First experience with a truly awful doctor that told me, "there wasn't much tissue to pass." Seriously? Heart broken I miscarried the mass of clots on thanksgiving.

December 2010. Christmas. Our surprise BFP. Super excited, but kept it quite.

January 2011. Our first time seeing Sam. No heart beat. Our second miscarriage, blighted ovum. Induced by cytotec. Hurt by so many things said to me by friends and family. Truly a rough time.

February 2011. A cycle of healing and waiting to try again. Oh and we closed on our house! YAY!

March 2011. Blessed with a new job! Increase in pay (true blessing!)

April 2011. Back to trying.

May 2011. Diagnosis of low progesterone & crazy cycles? Cruddy eggs. Probably will need clomid. great.

June 2011. BFP! Cautious excitment. Which lasted like 2 days.

July 2011. Miscarriage #3.

How have I changed the past year? I have lost some innocence. I have gained strength and dependence on God. I have learned more sensitivity. And have had more tension and love in my marriage. We have been tried and tested. And been able to talk more. And occasionally slip away from each other to heal our wounds. I am a wounded heart. A woman struggling with infertility. I am a momma to babies in heaven. Ones that I cannot wait to meet one day. I am a warrior for standing tall when trudging through these rough mucky path of life that I am on. I am weak, but God makes me strong. I have fewer friends that are close. I am drifting away from our church community. I have struggled with depression. I look like a ghost due to working third instead of a golden summer goddess. I have been changed. But God knows this change will be better for me in the long run.

♥ Jessica