Little Bit About Me

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First and foremost, I am a Christian woman: I love Jesus! In this blog you will find stories of trying to conceive with PCOS, MTHFR, Poor egg quality, a unicornuate uteterus, and too many babies in heaven. It is a good thing God is the ultimate healer! Here you will find praise! and you may also find venting (I'm not perfect...) and you will find other stories of my crazy life. All the while through this journey I am holding on to scripture & hoping to one day be a mother here on Earth (waiting on God & His perfect timing...why am I so impatient?) But in the meantime, here you will find me: Jessica, loving wife, hopeful heart of a mother, and faithful friend.

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CAUTION

All writing in this blog is unedited and 100% from what I am feeling at the time. By continuing to read it means that you will take my vents with a grain of salt. You will choose to not take offense. And most of all, if you know me in real life you will either choose to stop reading or keep the knowledge of this blog quiet, and privately allow me to know you are reading. I only share this information with close friends. I do not share this with facebook for a purpose: it is meant to be semi-private. Not "public" knowledge in the sense of the majority of those in real life knowing about it. If you can accept all that has been stated, sit back, grab a box of tissues, and be prepared to endure the rocky road of trying to conceive while trying to get out of the shadows of infertility.

If you have any private questions or concerns you may contact me at mynotesonttc at gmail.com



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Thursday, September 29, 2011

I will not test I will not test...

I am really trying to stay strong but it is super hard. The temptation is so incredibly strong.

I have so many things on my mind, I have been brought to tears sever times tonight thinking about things. We had a resident die. We had another resident who felt like she was going to die, and eventually got sent to the hospital.

My dad. The thought crossed my mind, several times, what if he doesn't make it? What if he dies without Jesus and what if I can never forgive myself for not truly forgiving him?

Testing. The what ifs here eat away just as bad. I almost broke down when I told James I thought we were out again this month. His response was quiet. And he saidm this is just dissappointing. It sometimes makes me feel like a disappoint,ent. Even if I know for a fact that it isn't true.

The nursing program. What if I have to wait another year?

Could I take all thee bad things this week. I would be a basket case. I am going to be a basket case if I do clomid again with any other disappointment facing me.

I am ready for good news. Nursing...I have been debating on since high school. 5 years and counting. Babies? I have been trying for nearly 15 months now. My father? We haven't spoken in 3 years. There are so many hurts and challenges there.

I am waiting. I am waiting on you Lord. And it isn't easy by any means.

I have doubts. Lord I believe but help my unbelief.

I have cramps. I am anxious for Saturday to come. I am praying for good news. I am anxious to receive my rn letter.

Calm my anxious fears. Give me peace and rest. Bless me God.

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1 comment:

  1. JessSeptember 29, 2011 at 2:13 PM

    I caved. Bfn again. Thinking I am definitely o.u.t. Out.
    Boo...

    ReplyDelete

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