What I Want

I want to love myself. And not feel like a failure because my uterus isn't a safe place for babies.

I want to be healthy.  And that means getting off my ass, eating healthier and stop making excuses as to why this is hard. Damn right it is hard. Harder to work through it and just exercise, in spite of my knee still bugging me from acl repair, and in spite of Matthew wanting to cling to me. In spite of groceries costing an arm and a leg. It is time. Again. to lose the weight and be in better shape. To decrease my blood pressure med and be a better example to my son.

I want to be desperately in love with God again, and not leave him last in my life. To see Him alive and moving in the simplest of things in life and to remain thankful. 

I want to be a better stewart with what we have been blessed. Tithe. Clean house. Clean car. Go on dates with James (last one was 6 months ago). Pay off debt. Be sitting better financially.

I want to feel valued as a friend. Not just be the person people come to for advice or when they have something big they know I will keep to myself. I want to have fun again. Laugh. Make memories.

I want to have adventure. I haven't vacationed outside of Michigan since I was recently out of high school and went to Hershey PA. And before that it was Junior year. Last vacation inside of Michigan was 3 or 4 years ago.

I want to be a blessing to others. To be transparent enough for them to see they aren't the only one that doesn't have it together. to give them hope. A hand up when they are down.

At the moment I feel like a lousy follower of Jesus. Debt up to our ears, gaining weight, not tithing, barely praying or reading my Bible. Being a "good person" simply isn't enough.

I feel broken. Like my infertility somehow defines a huge part of me. Stupid for having hope. I see it in many people's faces and hear it in their voices. I feel like I won't measure up elsewhere in life because I can't even do one of the things that should come naturally and easily.

I know some of these are lies and others are conviction's about things I need to fix and simply I lay them all down at His feet because my shoulders are not strong enough to carry it all.