Aching While Finding Joy

My heart has been achy lately. Yearning for another little one. Thinking of others that are going through infertility, especially those without babies now that the holidays are here. My eyes get leaky.

If you have experienced loss I would highly recommend I Will Carry You by Angie Smith. It has been like salve to the wounds of my heart. Many tears have been shed while reading it so far. Healing tears. Tears of feeling for her story, for the ache of losing a baby, and trying to find joy in the midst of all that pain.

My heart yearns to know the babies we have lost. To be able to carry another little one to term and hold them in my arms. I have also been having dreams about a little girl we get to take home during foster care. Beautiful jet black hair, a little baby with small medical issues. I don't know more.....other than in my dream I also had a new little one at home. My cup would overflow friends!

But for now I just feel a little stuck. We are struggling to get pregnant with a sticky baby again AND we cannot do foster care yet because we need to fix up some things with our house.

So I have been trying to find joy in other things....like Matthew and his emerging humor "I so funny!" he will say while giggling. Joy in the fact that my husband is an amazing man with an open heart. That we have a warm house in spite of the pellet stove being broken for so long. Joy in helping my residents at work. And in simple things like hot coffee with cream and sugar. Moments with Jesus. Friends that show they care.

Joy is emerging even through grief and sadness in my heart and soul.

I read this quote and loved it.

"I don’t know where you are tonight, or what hurts you are holding up to God, but I will promise you this. If you can just trust Him enough to bring it to Him, He will rejoice in your masterpiece. And if you need to scream a little, know that you have a God who can take that too, as long as your face is tilted (even slightly) toward Him."
I Will Carry You - Angie Smith

I also listened to a broadcast by Nancy Leigh DeMoss on the storms of this life and it definitely spoke to my heart...she said,
"God know what it takes to put each of us to that place where we say, I'm at my wits end. I can't handle this. And that is exactly where he wants us to be."

Guess with infertility it takes me a lot longer than others to get at my wits end? I am not certain what God is doing with our crazy journey but I do know that even with the heartache we are blessed immeasurably beyond words.