RIP Granny and RSV

4-7 (Sunday) I got new Grandma was in the hospital, that it was a likely blockage and they were allowing nothing by mouth in hopes that it would fix itself. We had a busy day, and I told my mom and my aunt we would come visit Granny the following day.

4-8 (Monday) I get a call from my mother telling me that she is headed up to the hospital. That the doctor left her a voicemail and he said that he believed her blockage wasn't going to fix itself or be operable. I was stunned. I got around as fast as Matthew would allow and brought my little sister whom was home sick some lunch before heading to the hospital to be there with grandma and mom. By the time I got there we had the news.....Grandma had tumors in her abdomen. In her stomach, liver, kidney, lungs, and they never said it but I wondered even then...small intestine.

At this point my sister's came home as quickly as they could so we could all spend time with Grandma. Monday evening we met with the surgeon to discuss possible options. They knew that regardless of Grandma only being 68 they were not going to do any heroic life saving procedures, she had dementia, a new diagnosis of parkinsons, and was a DNR and they would not put her through chemo, radiation, or unnecessary surgery if the possibility of death on the table was great. So we met our choice, together as a family: to do a lap procedure to see exactly what was going on, in hopes of creating a loop for a colonostomy bag to be set up to relieve the pressure on grandma's abdomen and hopefully allow for a bit more time with her. The surgery was planned for 10am the next day.

We also set up to meet with hospice because with the cancer in her abdomen we knew that she probably had less than six months and wanted to meet with the nurse and have everything ready.

4-9 (Tuesday) I skipped school to remain at the hospital. Grandma had moments where she was alert and with it talk to me, calling me "Jessie", saying she wanted something to drink, talking to Matthew, and just looking annoyed because I think she wanted to sleep and we were all they wanting to spend time with her.

Before her surgery we talked to her again, making sure she understood what they were going to be doing...giving her a "poop bag" because she had a blockage in her tummy and it was going to make it not hurt as badly. Mom asked her, is that okay? Granny's response, an unhappy/annoyed, "I guess." Translation: "Why the heck are you putting me through this, I don't want a poop bag!!!" Granny never complained, but that tone and the way she said it was clear...she wasn't thrilled in the least bit.

My husband was a trooper and stayed until close to when grandma got brought back into surgery. We knew worst case scenario: they opened her up and too many tumors they would come out talk to us and then close her up. Best case scenario: 30 min in and out with ostomy in place. Worst Best case scenario: 2 hours for ostomy creation. When he came out within 20 minutes or so...I knew. Grandma had a mass that was blocked due to a large mass, and one other spot that was pinched into a huge ball of small intestine due to various tumors. With probable necrotic (dead) tissue at the center. He gave us options: close grandma up without doing anything, or go through with surgery and create the ostomy with the foot of healthy small intestine...which would cause issues with hydration and nutrient absorption most likely due to how short it would be, but if choosing this choice it also meant surgery on the large ball of intestine to unwind it and remove it. and there was a chance the ostomy wouldn't heal well due to the nature of the tumors....what did the whole of continue with surgery mean? there was a 50% chance granny would die on the table instead of at home like we knew she would want.

So we chose to know we only had days with her before her passing. We sealed her up, and met with hospice that day with a plan to getting her home the next day. Talk about emotional. It made me realize, I probably could be a hospice nurse. Because dealing with family at this end of life...is so precious to them and how they deal with the death and dying of their loved one.

Wednesday....I had a test so I had to go to school from 1-4. But first I went to visit granny at the hospital. She had a moment where she was alert and talked to Matthew. It is a memory I will forever hold dear in my heart. At 3pm they moved grandma home. She quickly took a turn for the worst. I left grandma's house because I had clinical I couldn't miss at 730 AM an hour away from home. I thought  all the siblings were going to stay to help take care of grandma. But I was wrong: Aunt Patty, Mom, and my 10 year old sister stayed to watch and take care of grandma. As much as I was awake praying for her and mom....I should have stayed.

Thursday....I went to clinical. But had this feeling within 24 hours of being home she was going to be with the Lord. A little before 9, I got a text that grandma's respirations were at a 7, and she was foaming around the mouth. I teared up and knew I wasn't going to make it back to see her so I asked my husband to kiss her on her forehead and tell her that I loved her. He couldn't bring himself to do it (he had never been around a person dying, and to top it off still regrets the fact that he never got closure in telling his grandma goodbye and tears up to this day when he thinks about it...being with my family during this time has helped give him some closure, because saying goodbye to my grandma symbolized saying goodbye to his I believe), but had my mom do it for him A little after 915 I had a missed call from my husband. Grandma had passed when all of the family had went into the kitchen, and there had been this feeling of peace. When mom went into the living room where granny was...he knew because he heard her crying and then she said when he got out there..."She's gone."

Grandma had passed and I wasn't there to help. I wasn't there to be a shoulder to cry on. I wasn't there to grieve with my family. When they say Nursing school makes you give up things and sacrifice they were not lying. I sacrificed moments I will never get back, but God blessed me with an amazing husband that stayed with my family until 11 or so to be that strong hold in their lives. And I am SO thankful for him.

Then came funeral arrangements (can you say holy expensive!). Picking the pastor to speak at her viewing. Writing her obituary. All of that jazz....

Friday...I overslept on accident and skipped lab to do things with the family from cleaning to making meals for dinner meeting as a family with the pastor....so much to do.

Saturday...Grandma's funeral.

Matthew had been cranky all week, and I was SO over it. Sunday he got a stuffy nose. It was clear and I called Monday to see if they could give him anything. Answer: not for just congestion. SO we dealt with it: humidifier, saline, sucker snot bulb, and tylenol when super cranky.

Tuesday: it got a little worse, but still decided to wait. Wednesday: a little more worse but got assure follow your gut...so we continued what I had been doing and just went with it, I even added nubulizer to cover all basis. Thursday when he woke up he was worse but I was busy all day so there wasn't time to take him to dr. Friday. lost voice due to drainage moving into throat and lungs. so after clinical (first day on site!) today I took him to the doctor.

He shows signs and symptoms of RSV so on top of what we are doing, we are now also giving amoxicillin, and a steroid for 3 days.

Talk about one tired momma...oiy. Long emotionally draining, exhausting weeks.....

and on that note...sleep.