Late Night Update.

This week I have been a cleaning machine gearing up for my surgery this coming Thursday.  I know that once I have the surgery I won’t be getting around as easily and I don’t need clutter in my way. I think it has almost been like an urge to nest that I never got to experience with Matthew because I never had those last few weeks before he came and I was always a little nervous about whether or not he would truly be ours to take home.

Enough about that….I don’t want this to turn into another post about how infertility sucks and is all encompassing. But I won’t deny that it is. It sucks. And there is not a day that goes by that my heart doesn’t ache to have another baby or for the babies that heaven got to meet before we got to hold. I did cry this past week because that raw ache got too strong for me to bear. Several times actually.

I am thankful my best friend’s mom stepped up with Jenny’s baby shower because 1) we are broke and I have already spent more than I should have. And 2) she wouldn’t have gotten the shower she deserved if it were just me because sadly, baby showers are not my most favorite thing in the world. Kind of like inviting a sober alcoholic to a party in a bar. A fertile infertile at a baby shower, not the most pleasant thing in the world for me. And I know that probably makes me sound like a terrible, terrible person.

One more little tidbit, AF is supposed to start tomorrow. So we shall see. I did cave and waste a dollar store test around 10dpo and it was BFN enough to let me know I am out this cycle. Which is honestly okay because I have surgery coming up. Which is another source of anxiety for me, being put under scares me quite a bit. Prayers are appreciated!

Anyways, I said this wasn’t going to be an infertility sucks post and I started to go down that road. So I am officially changing gears now. While my pocket book hasn’t enjoyed this time off from work, my house certainly has (I wish I had taken a before picture and shared in all of my shame of how disgusting I had allowed my house to become. And I will shout it on the rooftops...even behind and under my couches are clean! Say WHAT?!). Plus I have been spending more time with Matthew than I have in a very long time. And I have been spending time with my sister Stacey, and a day with Missy when we went and looked at *gasp* WEDDING DRESSES for her wedding in May. That’s right Karl, her boyfriend of 9 years has officially bought a ring, and while he hasn’t popped the question yet the date has been set and they are working on plans together (and let me tell you he is a very opinionated husband-to-be, and I think it has to do with him being an only child, just sayin’!). Anyways, she is going to look beautiful in whatever dress she chooses. The same isn’t with this fat chic though. I need to lose some pounds before then. I told my sister I either want to be in the 160s or pregnant before Missy’s wedding gets here. How’s that for a goal?

Eating hasn’t been going to best lately though, and I am back up to 198.6. That means I have only kept off 15 of the 25 I had lost. Basically this knee brought me down, both physically and emotionally between the stitches and now the torn MCL and ACL. Just my luck let me tell you. More than luck though, I am certain Satan decided the miscarriages weren’t bringing me down enough and he needed to attack another avenue of my life. Enough writing for tonight. I am going to scoot so I can hopefully finish cleaning the living room before Matthew wakes up again. The darn cat is making a ruckus in the shower (it drips and he drinks from it…I have a weird cat, I know). On another note, I am sure he is chasing after a bug of some sort.

P.S. It felt wonderful to have my fingers flying across these keys with minimal interruption. It does the heart good.