I Survived.

The baby shower. In case you are curious. I did have to choke back tears but I positioned myself accordingly so I am 99.9% positive no one noticed. Can give myself a pat on the back for that one.

It just brought me back to how blessed we were when I was pregnant with Matthew. The outpouring of love from our friends and family. The yearning for another (especially now that Matthew loves babies and says "Baby! Baby!" So excitedly when he sees one). And the inward wonder and questioning of if and when it will happen for us again.

It also reminded me of broken friendships due to my parenting choices. From not wanting to nurse covered. And I am sure co-sleeping is on that list as well. Add to it the judgment I feel at times for not getting out more without Matthew.

And how defensive I start to feel because people simply aren't in knocking on our door to watch Matthew or asking us if we need an evening out to ourselves. When we ask my in-laws it seems it is a burden. When we ask James' aunt or uncle they are willing but want to tote him places (and they smoke so we like to avoid if possible). My mom already watches him so much I hate asking her to watch him more... And we cannot spend the money all the time, so adding to it a babysitter on top of a date doesn't mesh well with us. It just pains me.

Because also people don't understand that this may be our only time I get to experience any of this. Fertility is taken for granted. And here I am feeling selfish for wanting to do my best to cherish and cling to these moments.

People seem to forget that just as you and I are different so are babies. Some babies need space, some parents cannot sleep comfortably with their child nearby, some babies want to be swaddled. And some snuggled. Some women give up sleep to ensure they have a good breastfeeding relationship others are okay with popping a bottle in their mouth and calling it good for sleep's sake. Some babies startle easy and some will sleep through an earthquake. Some babies are needy for emotional love and connection and crying it out may teach them insecurities that people aren't going to be there for them when they need them. Maybe me sleeping with Matthew is ok because he needs me. It isn't a bad thing. Parents are different and so are babies. Do what feels right for you without judging other moms harshly. Half of parenting is doing what you can to survive and keep your kids safe while doing so, especially in these younger years.

Matthew won't be nursing or sleeping with me when he goes to high school. I do not know of one teenagers that wants to sleep with their mom. Let alone breastfeed. We will get there. In our time. Not the time line you believe we should have.

One last soapbox since I am already up here and the words seem to be flowing out of my finger tips. Breastfeeding isn't sexual. Nothing about it is sexual. We have a hard time in society with breasts, especially female nipples because they are oversexualized. I struggled with it in the beginning thinking I was going to show someone part of my breast and turn them on in some way. Then I came to the decision that anything could turn a person on....from ankles to the cleavage that seems to be okay to show. Just because breasts are used in a sexual context a majority of the time doesn't mean that this is the PURPOSE of why they were created. They were created to sustain life. As our ancestors. You are here because they chose to breastfeed. It was the norm. And guess what probably wasn't back then? Half naked women and porn. And with that in mind I have decided if a man or women gets turned on sexually over a baby breastfeeding or an accidental nipple show (hello turn away if you don't want to see it!) Then they have deeper issues. And women concerned about their husband or boyfriend seeing breastfeeding occurring...they have deeper issues with trusting the opposite sex and body image in general. Off my soapbox and onto dreamland hopefully.