Mother's Day Weekend

Saturday 
Cleaning, cleaning, and more cleaning! Trying to get the house ready for bridal shower next Saturday. Then later that night we had a bonfire and told the friends that came out about our pending arrival. It was amazing, friends I didn't think would show actually showed. They were all so happy for us.

Sunday 
Woke up early. Went to church. Spent the morning amazed by our church this year. They gave every woman a Woman of Faith devotional. Talked about Ruth. About our mothers. And important women in our life.

But I still felt sad. Sad for those that I knew were experiencing mother's day with sadness in her heart. I felt conflicted for feeling joy while also knowing the pain and sadness that comes with those that crave to be a mother. I feel like a mother. I have babies in heaven. But I yearn and crave to be a mother here on earth. To hold a healthy breathing baby. To have a birth story. To breast feed. To be up with a newborn. You get the picture.

After church and tears through out the morning. We ran home to get things ready for brunch with my mom, James's Dad and step mom, and my sisters Missy and Stacey. Cinnamon Rolls, Waffles with strawberry sauce and whipped topping, and a breakfast casserole along with OJ. It was DELICIOUS!! After almost done eating James says to me, "why don't you go get their cards?" So I did. Deana made it to the u/s pic before my mom did.

She yelled out, "Ohhhhh!!" and then looked at me and smiled with tears instantly in her eyes. By this time mom had read it and said, "I wondered." Oh mother. No sign of true excitement excitement. Just the "I've wondered for....two months, three months. I've wondered" over and over and over again. And then she said, "I'm nervous." What does she have to be nervous about? And finally I snapped at one point. "Mom it hasn't been three months, or even two. I am TWO months today, I had a miscarriage right before this pregnancy. So wondering got you no where."

I kind of felt bad. But seriously...just stop!! She repeats things enough to grate on a normal person's nerves, let alone one that is feeling extra hormonal. Ok done with that vent.

Deana though, she cried, hugged me. Told me congrats, and was seriously overjoyed. I looked over at James's dad and he also had tears in his eyes.

I had my sister's take the gift for my sister over to my mom's and it was a onesie that said, "My favorite aunt"(with some ants on it LOL) and an u/s. I guess she didn't get it right away, and thought it was for her teddy bear and then said, "Oh." when they finally told her. My dad happened to be there (I hadn't thought about telling them to not let Jo open it when he was there...) and he saw the u/s and took it out to his wife to show her.

Later that night, I decided to take my mother's day card over to my aunt and grandma. But my mom had already told them, so the surprise wasn't there. And my aunt actually said to me, "Are you sure this one will actually come in December?" meaning "are you sure this isn't going to be another loss?" Oiy. It made me wish I hadn't ever gone over there. Because I hadn't been worried at all that day, until then.

Before going to my Grandma's James tried calling his sister to tell her. She didn't answer so he asked what I thought about him just sending a pic of the u/s that said at the top, "Baby H****** Coming December 2012" I told him, go for it. So he did.

At my Grandma's I got a phone call from her. And she sounded happy and said, "What is in this picture I got?!" "Oh I think you know!" "Yeah, but I want to hear you say it!" "A baby! I am 8 weeks, and we got to hear the heartbeat last Monday!" we talked about how she was excited, and how I had been nervous to tell her because I know when ttc and hearing a pregnancy announcement you feel happy for them but so sad for yourself. She said no, and I told her, I know all about it. It hits when you are by yourself mostly. And she kind of was quiet and said yeah I guess. But she has an appointment beginning of June to talk about everything, so I am hopeful for her.

James called his brother, but he wasn't home so told his very pregnant sister in law, that I was expecting. She was happy and said congrats. :-)

This is going to be the sixth grandbaby for James's parents, and the first on my side.

Things were going pretty great. And then my father happened.

I am going to quote the conversation via text (because that is his only means of communication with me). The  bold is going to be him, non-bolded me.

I see I'm not special enough for you to let me know about you being pregnant. Mother and sisters and aunts and maternal grandparents only. I thought I really didn't mean anything to you. And I was right.


Whatever we haven't even told James's siblings yet so you can kiss my butt if you want to be that way. That is your choice. And you found out same way as Jo so I don't know what your deal is. (Side note, I was instantly pissed. How DARE he ruin MY excitement and first Mother's day I had real joy about and turn it into being about him, like ALWAYS)


Is that how you told your own mother?


Yes, in a card. For MOTHER'S day TODAY.

Well thanks for letting me know. What a fuckin surprise.


I'm not stressing about it. So if you choose to that is your choice. You would have found out.

Yep I probably would have about two weeks or more down the road. If I was lucky. (another side note, he is probably right here because I knew he would post on facebook. Which he has. So now our mutual friends I am just waiting for them to ask me on facebook before announcing if it is the truth. He is such an ass)


I don't know what my deal is either. I'm supposed to only be a fricken grandparent. (Again, it is about him. He was the same way with my wedding. He wants NOTHING to do with us older girls, unless it has to do with something that will make him feel good/special. After all the shit he put us through he thought he deserved to be the only one walking me down the aisle. And after choosing not to attend my wedding he still thinks he is the best father in the world and will make a wonderful grandparent. Well, he is wrong. He is making his own bed that he will have to choose to sleep in....)


It not always about you. I am done with this conversation. If you continue to try to have it, you will be blocked. I do not need unnecessary added stress. This is my sixth pregnancy and I will not let you ruin it. The end.

Well (his wife's name) wanted me to give you a baby bed but now I am pretty sure that I would burn it before that happens (no elaboration here, this is my true father's attitude towards life and me in general)


That's fine we already have a baby bed. (I was livid at him and so ready to relax for the night)


I took the liberty of removing your worthless number from my phone. I actually thought before my surgery that you might just care a little about me, but nope you don't so don't send anymore messages they will only be erased.

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At that point I was like, fine. So be it. I would rather not have my child know your attitude, melodrama ways, and cuss words anyways. If you really think I didn't care then that is your choice. That would be why I skipped school when finding out surgery wasn't going as planned. That is why I texted and talked to your wife when you were in the hospital with blood clots and asked for opinions of nurses at school. That is why I told you to get tested for MTHFR and get on blood thinners post surgery. *rolls eyes*

Deep breaths. It will be okay, and be WAY less stressful without him to worry about when in hospital delivering baby. He is a piece of work.

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Then there is today. I woke up to pee in middle of night but I haven't felt nauseated. My boobs aren't too sore. And I feel mostly normal. (gulp) it does make me worry. What if we got excited too soon. I have never made it this far, I assumed all would be well. Then my aunt made me worry. And then nausea doesn't happen. 

Shoot me now.

What a wonderful weekend, right? *sigh*