Troublesome Heart

This is going to be a LONG post. So get comfortable, grab a bowl of popcorn, and maybe a box of tissues. 

Part One...The Kid Named M (Take 2).
After James pointed out to me drugs sold in grams does not include pot, but rather coke and meth I was besides myself. When we realized the mailbox had been the drop box due to M's behavior that day, I was so disturbed. When James pointed out this could have impacted us being foster parents in the future I decided M is GONE. We definitely are not taking him back.

He has a warrant out for his arrest. His PO is planning on locking him away for a year. As far as I am aware he is still one the run. He still has keys to our house. He still has his cell phone but hasn't used it since the 8th. I am appalled and disgusted with him. My camera is missing, and while it is very possible I misplaced it...I cannot help but think that just maybe he stole it. All that we did for him could not impact his life to change at all. How sad is that? My heart cries for him. For his lost childhood. So SO SO SO SO sad.

One Word: School.
Wednesday was my trial by jury for my Academic Integrity Violation: Cheating. Oiy. It was intimidating. I was faced with 5 people on the jury, Academic Director, Director of Student Services, Academic Director's Receptionist, my teacher and the other teacher that taught the same class I was in.

We both told our sides. I really felt like I had a chance. Until they told me they decided cheater is what I am. And then I begged and cried and pleaded for my 15.55 points back to pass the class! They took 53 points away. 15.55 points wasn't that many.

And then they voted against that as well.

So I am a failure. Of a class I should have passed. Due to trusting a girl that others avoided, due to believing her, keeping papers overnight, and having honesty and integrity enough to turn it in.

Then my teacher said, "Call me." like she was going to help me. So I did.

And she made me feel worse. Told me I was a solid student that could do it, that she thought I was a praying woman, to pray for God for what to take out this situation, that essentially if Lindsay hadn't been brought into my trial and how she passed I may have gotten points back, that I would retake it and rock it out, and that there could be a chance our Director of the Nursing program could reject my readmission plea to the nursing program.

She could reject me! To top it off I am 99.9% sure I cannot take the pharmacology class this summer, everything is in their hands. Here is my problem. If they do not let me take pharm this summer, if they allowed me into the full time program I would graduate on time, but not taking pharm would make me have to take pharm and 145 at the same time (BUT it would allow me to have summers off, BONUS!!) YET it would also be in my third trimester. And honestly I am not sure how far along I will make it. Or what will go on. If they make me wait for the part time program, I graduate a year late. And will most likely have to begin paying on my student loans. I am so disheartened and disappointed. :-(

Telling SIL. 
This is also bothering my heart. She has officially been ttc (though I am not sure how much effort they have truly placed on ttc....but it probably seems like they tried hard to her) for a year now.

So how do we tell her? Honestly me where my heart was, I would rather a friend tell me via email. Because it doesn't cause you to have to hide emotions. There isn't an opportunity to tell her face to face before we are telling our parents. And I know when she blurted out to me she was pregnant (but I think it was an evap or an chemical) how hard it hit me. She said to me that it her still ttc doesn't impact her, but her husband told James otherwise. *sigh* Infertility..Yes, secondary infertility included hard! So this is what I have formed thus far to send in email. Let me know what you think.

SIL,
     First of all, we want to let you know we love you! And we know how hard ttc is, especially when you pass that one year mark and officially feel the word infertility stamped on you. We highly recommend seeing Dr Young at The Fertility Center (michiganivf.com, 616-988-2229) when you are ready to seek further diagnosis and help. He is very personable and very intelligent. They have a great success rate here in MI. And they have free information seminars once a month (the next is June 7th in case curious :-D, pending no school Jess could even take little man for that night!).
     The reason we are emailing you is this would be our 23rd month in the ttc mode. But God has blessed us and six pregnancies later, we are currently 8 weeks! We saw the heartbeat May 7th, it was 150 and the baby was measuring 7weeks5day. The reason for the email is it is the only means of communication that we could see as being easiest. This allows you to process without needing to cover emotions that may come along with hearing about another person's pregnancy. Because we realize no matter how happy you are for others, you are also SO sad for yourself. At least this has been our experience.
      We really feel that our weight loss is what helped both of us. Studies have shown that 10% weight loss helps women ovulate better (and Jess was almost there!!) and some studies have also shown weight loss help the swimmers to be healthier as well. We encourage you both to continue being healthy, seek diagnosis for your infertility, and follow God's lead for treatment.
Please take your time as needed and see this as a hug and understanding. And we hope and pray when you are ready you will help us celebrate in welcoming the newest little bean due December 19, 2012. 

James and Jess.

OR we could make a phone call Saturday night to let her know all of this over the phone. I am prepared for whatever emotion she could express. And she might take it better that way. But I am not 100% sure what to do yet. *sigh*

Baby.
I really am struggling with the choice that I may not have another u/s until 20 weeks. We have tried almost TWO years for this baby. You would THINK that they would monitor more often. I think I am going to beg and plead for my comforts sake next apt to my regular doctor to see what she will say and do.

Especially with how quick that woman did the u/s. I feel cheated! It almost makes me want to end up spending the extra money further on to get the special 3D ultrasound.

Or see if insurance covers the NT scan just so we can get to see the little babe at least one more time before my 20 week u/s. Because I know I am going to get more monitoring during the third trimester due to my unicornuate uterus.


gah. at least I have Mother's Day to look forward to.....even if I am feeling bogged down elsewhere. I am exhausted and overly emotional lately.