Confession

I have done pretty fantastic at eating in moderation.

I have done pretty well adding some exercise, like walking quicker or more places, taking the steps, and yesterday I worked out with Bob.

I am even down to 204. I have lost 10lbs in a month.

But here is my confession....I am a day late on this stupid cycle. CD 33 at the moment. I had my hopes up. I got a BFN. We had lunch with my best friend that is pregnant, and let me tell you. I got home. I cried. I ate 6 lemon Oreos. And quite possibly almost an entire pack of graham crackers.

I am feeling depressed. But I shouldn't be. I am beyond excited for her, they deserve this little one. Just a little lot mad at God. Why is it that I have to work hard to lose weight and go through loss after loss? It isn't fair. At all. I wish I could know what a fear free pregnancy was like. A pregnancy not affected by the ugliness of loss and infertility.

I disgust myself even having to admit that this is the way I have been feeling. WHY? UGH. And all I am doing is backsliding into the old times of ttc where I was a miserable person and fat. Because all that overeating does is add unnecessary freaking calories and make me feel like even more crap after the fact.

October cannot get here close enough. A date night with just James and I, getting tattoos together and then maybe a few drinks with friends celebrating the fact that we have the promise of heaven so we will get to see our babies again, followed by a balloon release. Or maybe split all that up. I don't care but we are doing it. It is the one way I will be okay with not being pregnant come October. Because just as I had a feeling a while back that my friend would be pregnant before me, I have this feeling that even when I get down to 192 I still won't be able to get and stay pregnant. In fact, I think this time I have to get down to my goal weight of 150 and wean Matthew, which I am not ready to do yet. I think we have another journey before us. My hope and thought and prayer is to be pregnant by December of this year with our take home baby. That's my gut. And my gut has been right. Maybe God will prove me wrong, or maybe He is the one whispering all of this to me.

I have to keep Hope alive. And some days that is a hard hard thing to do. But God does not give me a spirit of fear, so whom shall I fear? Not the future. And not another loss. Because He is by my side.