Contentment

It is sometimes hard to feel content with your life situation. We want to make more money, go on vacation, be able to fix up the house, have babies, have the babies sleep through the night, have the babies be potty trained. You get the picture. Sometimes it is hard to just be okay with where you are in life. Really hard, especially when you are in the trenches of infertility.

Instead of having bitterness in my soul I am seeking and learning to be content. Would I love another little one to come our way? Absolutely! I just do not want to psycho like try for one at the moment. I figure my energy is better spent on trying to get healthy and lose weight instead of charting temps, using opks, and checking my cervix or feeling my cervical fluid to aide the debate in my head is it really ewcm?

I am down on the scale to 196.8. I am 4.8 lbs away from my previous weight. And I cannot wait to get even healthier and help set a strong foundation for healthy living in our family before Matthew has to grow up and struggle with his weight, or loses his mom and dad when he is 30 or 40 because we were fat, heart wasn't healthy, and we developed whatever condition that caused us to die young. Yes, I just said 65 was young. Working with the elderly on a daily basis you get a new perspective.

And my new perspective is this. I want to grow old and see my grandchildren and great grandchildren. I want to keep my independence and mobility as long as possible. I want to be able to share wisdom and love to the future generations in our family. And quite simply I won't be able to do that while remaining obese and out of shape. I want to run 5 ks into my 50s. I want to be able to keep up with my kids and grandchildren as I age. I don't want to forever be a slug on the couch with muffin top trying to show itself over the tops of my jeans.

BUT for now I am content with my progress and where we are in life. We are working towards an attainable goal. And there is much joy and hope in my heart!

(But also please note that a smidgen of jealousy mixed with wistfulness does spring up when I see infants or beautiful pregnant bellies. And sometimes even when I feel gas that reminds me of early movements. In those moments I thank God for what I have gotten to experience and remind myself of how blessed I am. And usually rather quickly contentment replaces the negative emotions and I again become at peace with where we stand in life.)